Big Brother BETTING: The thirteen

It's still happening viewers, even if you're not

Still there: Kat (2.9), Luke (6.2), Darnell (8.2), Dale (9), Rex (16.5), Mikey (16.5), Stuart (21), Rachel (29), Lisa (50), Rebecca (70), Maysoon (80), Sara (85), Mohamed (210)

It's week seven in the Big Brother house. Week seven. Yet, somehow, the house still looks full. By this stage in the first (and probably best) series, five housemates were left. This time, there are thirteen. Big Brother, you have over-egged the pudding. Even so, the likes of Kathreya, Darnell, and Luke would be worthy housemates in any series.

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Kat
Kat's stock so far has been leaping about in a romper suit singing happy songs, but something about watching her comfort a weeping Mo suggests that underneath the toddler dancing is a kindly woman in her 30s. Based on that, she could win it. Voters demand that their champions have hidden depths.

Luke
Luke has always had the right blend of campness and good humour to make it to the final, his only handicap being his incessant bitching and strange fascination with Bex. Watching the pair of them twitter inanely in bed must be how Terry and June looked to heroin addicts back in the 80s.

Dale
Dale's key issue is that he doesn't appear capable of offering constructive criticism, instead he just calls people "dicks". It all seems a little harsh. That said, of all the inmates, he will be the most likely to own the teeny vote, so could yet surprise everyone with a victory. He's a bit like Anthony (winner, series six) in that most normal people probably hate him in secret. Far too good looking.

Darnell
Increasingly paranoid, Darnell has taken to spending his days attempting to work out what everyone might be thinking at every possible opportunity - that includes the viewers at home. He needs to stop that, and get back to being the level headed albino black man we were all falling in love with. Still in the running.

Rex
Why is Rex even there? In the real world, he lives in a golden house in the clouds, breakfasting on lobsters, truffles and Taste the Difference bacon. He doesn't need the money, his existence is one eternal slurring sentence about all the brilliant things he's done, and now he's just going to tag Big Brother onto that. If his friends really cared about him, they'd disguise themselves and beat him down with wooden sticks from time to time. Just to keep him in check. Won't win.

Mikey
Were Mikey blessed with the gift of sight, he'd be considered the most surly and disagreeable of this year's inmates, and his revolting jokes about dogs and cunnilingus would have found him slapped with an official warning. Unfortunately, because he is blind, no one can be mean to him. Not yet anyway.

Stuart
Not since Mike Tyson opened his mouth and spoke for the first time has one man's appearance been so at odds with his voice. By all accounts, Stuart should be ruling the roost in there with his bouncing pectoral muscles, and an abdomen you could grate cheese on. Instead, when he speaks, it's mainly to start softly crying about something. Too wet.

Rachel
As she roams the house, stopping only to agree with people or smile at them, it's easy to see why Rachel is considered so annoyingly nice. Perhaps toilet-cam is showing footage of her muttering sweet fury without us knowing? Either way, she has absolutely no chance of winning.

Bex
A girl so clued-up on Big Brother history, Bex appears to be desperately trying to add to her "best bits" whenever she does anything. Hence she can't have breakfast without starting a food fight, if she goes for a swim she skinny dips, and she has developed a terrifying inability to go sleep without first making sure that Luke is suitably aroused. Don't be surprised to see her further outstay her welcome, but not win.

Lisa
Totally bonkers, Lisa has taken to making up lies about ghosts and aliens to appear more interesting than she is. As a woman in her 40s, she never really stood a chance, and the novelty of being the first Big Brother couple vanished the minute her beast of a boyfriend oozed from the house.

Maysoon
Maysoon is horrifically anodyne. Watching her brainlessly swinging from a tyre in the head-of-house competition was literally her most exciting moment, and all the while she said nothing - she just stared into the middle distance with her humungous eyes. There is literally nothing she can do to win the show.

Sara
By being forced to endure another week in "Hell", Sara appears unpopular in the house. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Her job was to go in and cause a big stir with the guys, but absolutely none of them seem to fancy her. Not even slightly. She failed, and will not last. That her voice makes the same sound as a synthesizer malfunctioning doesn't help.

Mohamed
After a troubled life enduring numerous civil wars and haphazardly veering from one violent wasteland to the next, Mo's emotional scars are starting to show - he spends much of his time in the house silently weeping or mindlessly binge-eating during the night. This week, losing Big Brother will add yet another tick to the long list of bad things that have happened in his life.