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Now that Big Brother has adopted a 'one out, three in' policy, perhaps eventually we'll all get a go to wander in and spend a few weeks silently lamenting people for not being themselves. In fact, if there's one thing you should take away from this year's programme, it's the knowledge that whenever you're not in the room, people are talking about you, discussing your credentials, doubting your every sentence, secretly loathing all the things you'd listed as your good points. You weren't just being paranoid.

The fifteen housemates read, in order of popularity, like this…

Kathreya
Sitting there, giant romper suit, still harping on about biscuits, and yet no one - literally not anyone - can hear a sentence uttered by Kat and not be overcome with a desire to hug her. She should be posted randomly on London's most violent street corners if people are really serious about bringing an end to knife crime. Because, honestly, could you garrote a man with Kat watching? Of course you couldn't. Might win.

Darnell
Darnell has something of the "people's champion" about him, as he patrols the house, always speaking up for the underdog. Of everyone in there, he looks the most likely to enjoy a journey of self discovery, and being a black Albino presents him with the all-important affliction - like Pete's Tourette's (series seven) and Nadia's penis (series five).

Luke
Still in with a shout, Luke should be running away with it, thanks to a sharp wit (Brian, winner, series two) and strong diary room presence (Jon Tickle, series four). Unfortunately, he's taken to muttering in the bathroom with Bex, and voting girls find bitching and backstabbing utterly abominable. Needs to lose the busty sidekick, which he surely will this week.

Mikey
Mikey's decreasing likability has been shocking to watch. On his way into the house he looked a fantastic bet - not only blind, but a standup comic to boot. Brilliant! Unfortunately, he has proven to be the planet's least funny and most shouty comedian, and his “jokes” so far have been either totally vile or completely misjudged. He won't win, which will come as an almighty shock to Mario, who has seemingly adopted him as a pet in a bid to become popular.

Rex
Besides the hideous vests, and the voice so rich and plummy that it makes Prince Harry sound like he's from Mile End, Rex isn't totally despised. Not by the general public anyway. Still won't win.

Rachel
Has offered nothing but a wrinkly forehead and a watery smile. In the real world, she's what is known as a call centre worker. Barring an actual miracle - one to rival the resurrection of Lazarus, or the water and wine trick - she won't win.

Mario
Just as everyone was starting to warm slightly to pug-faced Mario, with his silly tattoos and boring conversations about safety hazards, he suddenly morphs into an unbelievable bastard, silently damning his housemates from his outside lounger as his partner-in-swinging nods her approval. Gutted.

Dale
The giant-tongued PE teacher has been rendered completely mute since Jennifer left his side - if his face were a noise, it'd be a whimper. Davina should cancel the interview.

Sara
Oh no, it happened. It was threatening to happen, but then it actually happened, and no one could believe it. But it had. Sara described herself as "a bit crazy". That can mean one of two things. Either a. she actually meant insane, and could soon be drinking her own urine and parading about the house in a nappy, or b. she is going to prove a gigantic letdown, before silently leaving to a crowd of people shrugging like they've just seen a bad magic trick. Doomed.

Stuart
Despite his muscles, Stuart is paranoid. Paranoid about absolutely everything, paranoid about people, about things he can't explain. Just paranoid. Plain and simple paranoia. On the bright side, he needn't be paranoid about winning. Not going to happen.

Mohamed
The best thing about Mo is that he looks a bit like a 1970s Bill Withers. The worst thing is that he won't win.

Maysoon
All the big talk before Friday's show was that two "stunners" were entering the house. What they didn't mention was that one of them appeared so sleepy and non-plussed that by the time she'd reached the entrance of the house the whole crowd has disbanded and gone home. May soon be evicted, get it! Ha ha! No, YOU shut up!

Belinda
Poor Belinda. It's not her fault that she roars in her sleep, or that she claims to like Drum and Bass so that young people might like her. She was home schooled. Like all over eager middle aged women on Big Brother, she will soon unravel.

Lisa
Becoming increasingly easy to hate, Lisa has taken to speaking in mystic mumbo-jumbo to make herself sound interesting. What she doesn't realise is that spiritual gurus would probably steer clear of strange muscle-bound doggers who confuse "out of body experiences" with "being asleep". Won't win.

Rebecca
A disturbing individual who one minute laughs honkingly in the pool with her boobs out, then sulks angrily in the bathroom the next. Might actually be mad. And not in a Sara "kerrazy!" kind of way.