Big Brother BETTING: Only FIFTEEN to go

Once again another generation of oiks have smudged their way onto television to promote the idea that people should spend their days telling one another exactly what they think. That way everyone will think them totally "genuine", and the world will be a better place. Have these people ever considered that this method doesn't exactly work? After all, wasn't it a certain Mr Hitler who decided to tell Europe what he thought of them - TO THEIR FACE? Yes. Yes it was.

This week, the strongest of the fifteen doofuses decend like so...

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But first, have a look at the Big Brother Predictor!

Kathreya
Still has something of everyone's favourite bosomy gentleman/prostitute, Nadia (winner, series five), about her. Plus she seems genuinely kind, which is a tremendous votes magnet. On the downside, it would be a sad day for modern society when to win Big Brother you just need to squeeze into a giant onesie and scream about cookies. She might start to grate.

Luke
Like Glynn (series seven) and Jon Tickle (series four), Luke looks all set to become a geeky cult figure. Were this the 1970s, and real life were one big Carry On film, he'd be played by Charles Hawtrey. That's a good thing. Probably the one to beat.

Michael
Michael had it all - the thrilling disability (Pete Bennett, winner, series seven), the whole being Scottish thing (Cameron Stout, winner, series four) - but it looks like he's thrown it all away. No one wants to watch a bitter blind gentleman bitching about his fellow guests, his appeal has gone into freefall. Won't win.

Darnell
Ironically if there's going to be a dark horse in the competition, Darnell, the Albino black man, is that horse. Of all the housemates, he looks the most likely to go on an in-house "journey", and his gang-land back story seems the most invigorating of the lot. He is also avoiding the cliques - a good survival technique.

Rachel
Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003, and so far she has showcased a strange wrinkly forehead, apologised for absolutely everything anyone else has done wrong, and wept. That said, the more middle of the road voters will think she's just like them. Safe for a good while yet.

Rex
Rex likes nothing more than slipping into a pair of white drainpipes, popping on a vest, and carving up onions in the kitchen. It's his vibe. And while he's at it, he might talk in a voice so posh that it's just a long slurring noise. A strong contender.

Dale
Dale - shipped in from Topman in Liverpool - appears to struggle to keep his giant tongue inside his mouth. It's only a matter of days before it finally just drops out and rolls down his body towards the floor, and then just sways around his ankles for the remainder of his stay. Which incidentally could be a while should his will they/ won't they romance with Jennifer hot up. Has the potential to cause an upset (like Anthony, winner, series six).

Rebecca
Totally thick and not in a good Sam and Amanda (last year) kind of way. She spends her time either speaking utter nonsense that even a toddler would find amateurish, or astonishing everyone by taking her bosoms out and leaping around, giggling like a maniac. It's like watching a monkey, only less intellectually stimulating.

Jennifer
Girls will either love or hate Jennifer - she's the soft spoken Geordie, who appears to be spending most of her experience toying with Dale's hormones. Somehow she is a mother, which will split people right down the middle - some will champion the young single mum living her dream, others will wonder where her baby is.

Mohamed
When he's not piling as much food from the paltry basic rations into his mouth, Mohamed has something of Brian Belo's wide-eyed cheefulness about him. Even with Alexandra standing inches away jabbing her spikey finger into his eye, demanding that he stop eating all the time, he appears to be having the best time in the world. One to keep a very intense eye on.

Sylvia
Good on Sylvia for removing herself from the Alexandra orbit of anger, but she now needs to concentrate on wowing the nation. Her bold speak of Christianity seems to clash with her having a pierced tongue and clitoris. What kind of God allows that kind of behaviour? Won't win, might prove something of a vixen.

Dennis
What a wee little bastard Dennis is turning out to be. He comes from the school of codswallop that proposes that people would appreciate knowing exactly what you think of them at all times, on the assumption that they remotely give a monkeys in the first place - N.B they don't. A horrible dancer.

Mario and Lisa
Oh Christ, they've started actually doing it, smearing their grubby fingers all over eachother in the bath, in the bedroom, it's disgusting. His conversational technique of reciting positive slogans and hoping they bear relevance to the situation has become dull, while she looks like Xena Warrior Princess struggling with a crippling bout of depression. He needs his made up fan club to start voting, and fast. Neither will win.

Alexandra
With Charley last year, Big Brother stumbled across just the right blend of abhorrent ranting and genuine kindness. Alexandra appears sired of Satan himself in comparison. No hope.