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Big Brother BETTING: The thirteen

It's still happening viewers, even if you're not

It's week seven in the Big Brother house. Week seven. Yet, somehow, the house still looks full. By this stage in the first (and probably best) series, five housemates were left. This time, there are thirteen. Big Brother, you have over-egged the pudding. Even so, the likes of Kathreya, Darnell, and Luke would be worthy housemates in any series.

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Kat
Kat's stock so far has been leaping about in a romper suit singing happy songs, but something about watching her comfort a weeping Mo suggests that underneath the toddler dancing is a kindly woman in her 30s. Based on that, she could win it. Voters demand that their champions have hidden depths.

Luke
Luke has always had the right blend of campness and good humour to make it to the final, his only handicap being his incessant bitching and strange fascination with Bex. Watching the pair of them twitter inanely in bed must be how Terry and June looked to heroin addicts back in the 80s.

Dale
Dale's key issue is that he doesn't appear capable of offering constructive criticism, instead he just calls people "dicks". It all seems a little harsh. That said, of all the inmates, he will be the most likely to own the teeny vote, so could yet surprise everyone with a victory. He's a bit like Anthony (winner, series six) in that most normal people probably hate him in secret. Far too good looking.

Darnell
Increasingly paranoid, Darnell has taken to spending his days attempting to work out what everyone might be thinking at every possible opportunity - that includes the viewers at home. He needs to stop that, and get back to being the level headed albino black man we were all falling in love with. Still in the running.

Rex
Why is Rex even there? In the real world, he lives in a golden house in the clouds, breakfasting on lobsters, truffles and Taste the Difference bacon. He doesn't need the money, his existence is one eternal slurring sentence about all the brilliant things he's done, and now he's just going to tag Big Brother onto that. If his friends really cared about him, they'd disguise themselves and beat him down with wooden sticks from time to time. Just to keep him in check. Won't win.

Mikey
Were Mikey blessed with the gift of sight, he'd be considered the most surly and disagreeable of this year's inmates, and his revolting jokes about dogs and cunnilingus would have found him slapped with an official warning. Unfortunately, because he is blind, no one can be mean to him. Not yet anyway.

Stuart
Not since Mike Tyson opened his mouth and spoke for the first time has one man's appearance been so at odds with his voice. By all accounts, Stuart should be ruling the roost in there with his bouncing pectoral muscles, and an abdomen you could grate cheese on. Instead, when he speaks, it's mainly to start softly crying about something. Too wet.

Rachel
As she roams the house, stopping only to agree with people or smile at them, it's easy to see why Rachel is considered so annoyingly nice. Perhaps toilet-cam is showing footage of her muttering sweet fury without us knowing? Either way, she has absolutely no chance of winning.

Bex
A girl so clued-up on Big Brother history, Bex appears to be desperately trying to add to her "best bits" whenever she does anything. Hence she can't have breakfast without starting a food fight, if she goes for a swim she skinny dips, and she has developed a terrifying inability to go sleep without first making sure that Luke is suitably aroused. Don't be surprised to see her further outstay her welcome, but not win.

Lisa
Totally bonkers, Lisa has taken to making up lies about ghosts and aliens to appear more interesting than she is. As a woman in her 40s, she never really stood a chance, and the novelty of being the first Big Brother couple vanished the minute her beast of a boyfriend oozed from the house.

Maysoon
Maysoon is horrifically anodyne. Watching her brainlessly swinging from a tyre in the head-of-house competition was literally her most exciting moment, and all the while she said nothing - she just stared into the middle distance with her humungous eyes. There is literally nothing she can do to win the show.

Sara
By being forced to endure another week in "Hell", Sara appears unpopular in the house. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Her job was to go in and cause a big stir with the guys, but absolutely none of them seem to fancy her. Not even slightly. She failed, and will not last. That her voice makes the same sound as a synthesizer malfunctioning doesn't help.

Mohamed
After a troubled life enduring numerous civil wars and haphazardly veering from one violent wasteland to the next, Mo's emotional scars are starting to show - he spends much of his time in the house silently weeping or mindlessly binge-eating during the night. This week, losing Big Brother will add yet another tick to the long list of bad things that have happened in his life.

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Big Brother NEWS: All you need to know

OMG, a graph!

Don't sit at home with a bucket of crayons trying to fashion your own Big Brother graph, based on in-house activity and betting trends. Simply look at the one we prepared earlier!

You're welcome.

(click the colourful box next to their name to chart their progress)

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Big Brother BETTING: The final FOURTEEN!

Luke needs to stop snogging the trollop...

As with doors and windows, when one Big Brother romance closes another one opens, and Luke can now be found popping his slimy political tongue into Rebecca's foul mouth. It's abominable just to be privvy to, and were there anything Ofcom could do, they would do it. But for now, like with the boogie man, we should all just sit tight and hope it goes away. Nothing to be scared of.

The contestants read, from best first, like this:

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Kathreya
As mentioned last week, Kat could be key to stopping knife crime. Think about it, no one could bludgeon, stab or garrote a man with Kat's sweet kindly face looking on in horror. The woman could stop wars, for Christ's sake. That said, can a grown up pretending to be a toddler really win Big Brother? A finalist for sure.

Darnell
The current King of the house, should there ever be a film made about Darnell, he would be wise to insist that Jamie Foxx doing Ray Charles plays him - it's actually uncanny. That said, the making of a film would presumably depend on him winning Big Brother. He has all the ingredients - interesting back-story, an affliction - but needs to keep his paranoid rants about being "real" to himself.

Luke
Don't do it, Luke. Step away from the bosomy mad woman. In his strategic mind, what harm can a romance do? In reality, he is being filmed in night vision stroking her face and whispering like a psychopath. He needs to stop that and get back to being funny/camp.

Dale
What a difference a week makes. Once a giant tongued mute who could perform little more than a middle-distance stare and a whimper, now there's no stopping Dale and his incessant talking. And while that is totally over-egging it, he might yet prove to be this year's Anthony (winner, series six) - a likeable young man with no discernable talent.

Mikey
Luckily for Mikey, the housemates are so fearful of nominating a blind man for eviction that he'll be safe for a few weeks yet. But by acting like the world's most revolting pervert - grabbing Becca's boob, making a hideous carrot-based misjudgment to Sara - he will definitely not win. If he could see people's faces, he'd probably rethink his career as a stand up too.

Rachel
Finally, after weeks of slowly flexing her forehead, and describing flowers to Mikey in such minute detail that even his hyper-sensitive supersonic hearing started to wane, Rachel has started to stand up for herself when people are sneering at her. Good for you, love. Now leave.

Rex
Either the producers are up to their usual jiggery-pokery, or Rex has become the most irksome and detestable little oik since Bryan Ferry revealed that he had a son. The vests, the long slurred noises that are supposed to be sentences, the relentless coin-eyed bragging about how many truffles he can fit into his mouth. He should be evicted and sent to the desert in a cage.

Lisa
Yeah, Lisa's starting to lie quite a lot. She once lifted up and moved a car. She has seen actual aliens. She is very "religious" about things like "spirituality", and knows that Mario left the Big Brother house because the universe needed him for something, not because the general public had decided that he was a unbearable prat. And all this from a woman who actually shaves her face like a man would. Won't win.

Stuart
With the great bod and the manly beard, Stuart should really be the alpha male in the house. And yet he only ever speaks to tell people that he's frightened, or that he just cried a minute ago, or that he needs a wee. Tough guys win Big Brother, Stu-pot.

Sara
Sara's problems include: a. She has a voice like a malfunctioning Moog keyboard. b. She has a total inability to listen to anyone else speaking without turning the conversation onto something boring that she once did. c. She's Australian, and (bar Nadia) foreigners do not win. d. She isn't quite as pretty as she appears to think. and e. She is stirring Mikey into a sexual frenzy, which is hugely unadvisable. Won't win.

Rebecca
So thick, Bex can only live in the moment, because if she were to entertain foresight or hindsight for even a second she would pass out or die. Getting off with Luke, then slagging him off in the diary room was yet another in a long list of Big Brother etiquette breaches.

Maysoon
Great, a model! That's what everyone thought, blissfully unaware that when models aren't in their knickers on runways, they are sitting in giant ashtrays, silently smoking and wondering what time they can go home. Soon, Maysoon, very soon.

Mohamed
If Bill Withers had chosen moaning in staccato above singing, he would have been Mohamed - the misfortunate man who simply can't win Big Brother.

Belinda
Her sleep-roaring has become intolerable, her jazz singing is the reality television equivalent of watching your dad attempt the windmill, and like Lea and Susie (series six), she will soon be just another former Big Brother contestant who no one can even remember.

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Big Brother BETTING: Bex/Mario Eviction

Big boobs or silly face? You decide....

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Finally, an eviction worth a close look, almost impossible to call. We haven't seen anything like this since Science the charismatic rapper was up against Orlaith the poster girl in Big Brother 6. For the record, Science went with 50.5% of the vote on that occasion. Both were controversial characters, difficult to like, much like Mario and Rebecca.

Initially it looked like Rebecca (Bex) had this one in the bag, after weeks of shrieking, squawking and sulking for no apparent reason. Her cruel treatment of the in-house fall guy, Mo - when she cut his belt in half and sneered in his face - seemed to cement her place as the fourth evictee. And yet, in recent days she has enjoyed something of a renaissance, the kind of which is only possible in the Big Brother house. Much of this is thanks to her highly watchable relationship with Luke, the main provider of much-needed in-house comedy - voters have learnt in recent years to keep the more interesting characters in the house until they can take no more. With both potential evictees in "a couple", the public would surely be more interested to see how the Bex/Luke one develops.

As the week has progressed, Mario has morphed from a Stallone-faced David Brent into a nasty control freak with a God complex. His increasing belief that he and Lisa are the axis of power in the house will have infuriated the voters, even the ironic ones who used to find his hilarious "fan base" talk absolutely thrilling. But, unfortunately for Mario, he has now been unmasked, and by talking down to his hunky girlfriend, berating her for being a "doormat", and laying into lovable little Kat, he will have enraged huge swathes of Big Brother fans. Cruel boyfriends will not be tolerated by the Channel 4 audience. His game plan of taking a blind man under his wing hasn't quite worked out either. Too transparent.

Hence, all the planets are aligning against Mario, and like fellow gentlemen in their 40s, Roberto (series six) and Ahmed (series five), he should be the fourth housemate for the chop. BUT WAIT! With "Get Bex out!" the chant du jour, the clever money might be better spent on the bosomy one. Never in Big Brother history has a housemate reversed the hex of the "get them out!" chant.

As for the coming weeks, expect to see Belinda unravel. Like all over eager middle-aged women, she has no place in the Big Brother house, and her desperate attempts to make people notice her are becoming increasingly disturbing – what the hell is that jazz singing about? Expect a Vanessa Feltz style meltdown should she not walk/face eviction in the next week or so. Also navigating a rocky path is Rex, slipping down the popularity polls thanks to his non-stop bragging, and voice so posh it makes Prince Harry sound like he’s from Mile End. And Stuart, who has morphed into the most paranoid bodybuilder alive – he’s either coming off steroids or he should never have considered a career in celebrity. Like Ziggy last year, he is far too straight-faced to win.

On the up-and-up this week, surprisingly, is Dale. Without Jennifer there to occupy his hormones, he has started to showcase some actual personality. Who saw that coming? He could be the dark horse.

This week, Popbet predicts: Bex to just about scrape the eviction majority, and Dale to win.

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Big Brother BETTING: Only FIFTEEN left

Get in it for the long haul, people

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Now that Big Brother has adopted a 'one out, three in' policy, perhaps eventually we'll all get a go to wander in and spend a few weeks silently lamenting people for not being themselves. In fact, if there's one thing you should take away from this year's programme, it's the knowledge that whenever you're not in the room, people are talking about you, discussing your credentials, doubting your every sentence, secretly loathing all the things you'd listed as your good points. You weren't just being paranoid.

The fifteen housemates read, in order of popularity, like this…

Kathreya
Sitting there, giant romper suit, still harping on about biscuits, and yet no one - literally not anyone - can hear a sentence uttered by Kat and not be overcome with a desire to hug her. She should be posted randomly on London's most violent street corners if people are really serious about bringing an end to knife crime. Because, honestly, could you garrote a man with Kat watching? Of course you couldn't. Might win.

Darnell
Darnell has something of the "people's champion" about him, as he patrols the house, always speaking up for the underdog. Of everyone in there, he looks the most likely to enjoy a journey of self discovery, and being a black Albino presents him with the all-important affliction - like Pete's Tourette's (series seven) and Nadia's penis (series five).

Luke
Still in with a shout, Luke should be running away with it, thanks to a sharp wit (Brian, winner, series two) and strong diary room presence (Jon Tickle, series four). Unfortunately, he's taken to muttering in the bathroom with Bex, and voting girls find bitching and backstabbing utterly abominable. Needs to lose the busty sidekick, which he surely will this week.

Mikey
Mikey's decreasing likability has been shocking to watch. On his way into the house he looked a fantastic bet - not only blind, but a standup comic to boot. Brilliant! Unfortunately, he has proven to be the planet's least funny and most shouty comedian, and his “jokes” so far have been either totally vile or completely misjudged. He won't win, which will come as an almighty shock to Mario, who has seemingly adopted him as a pet in a bid to become popular.

Rex
Besides the hideous vests, and the voice so rich and plummy that it makes Prince Harry sound like he's from Mile End, Rex isn't totally despised. Not by the general public anyway. Still won't win.

Rachel
Has offered nothing but a wrinkly forehead and a watery smile. In the real world, she's what is known as a call centre worker. Barring an actual miracle - one to rival the resurrection of Lazarus, or the water and wine trick - she won't win.

Mario
Just as everyone was starting to warm slightly to pug-faced Mario, with his silly tattoos and boring conversations about safety hazards, he suddenly morphs into an unbelievable bastard, silently damning his housemates from his outside lounger as his partner-in-swinging nods her approval. Gutted.

Dale
The giant-tongued PE teacher has been rendered completely mute since Jennifer left his side - if his face were a noise, it'd be a whimper. Davina should cancel the interview.

Sara
Oh no, it happened. It was threatening to happen, but then it actually happened, and no one could believe it. But it had. Sara described herself as "a bit crazy". That can mean one of two things. Either a. she actually meant insane, and could soon be drinking her own urine and parading about the house in a nappy, or b. she is going to prove a gigantic letdown, before silently leaving to a crowd of people shrugging like they've just seen a bad magic trick. Doomed.

Stuart
Despite his muscles, Stuart is paranoid. Paranoid about absolutely everything, paranoid about people, about things he can't explain. Just paranoid. Plain and simple paranoia. On the bright side, he needn't be paranoid about winning. Not going to happen.

Mohamed
The best thing about Mo is that he looks a bit like a 1970s Bill Withers. The worst thing is that he won't win.

Maysoon
All the big talk before Friday's show was that two "stunners" were entering the house. What they didn't mention was that one of them appeared so sleepy and non-plussed that by the time she'd reached the entrance of the house the whole crowd has disbanded and gone home. May soon be evicted, get it! Ha ha! No, YOU shut up!

Belinda
Poor Belinda. It's not her fault that she roars in her sleep, or that she claims to like Drum and Bass so that young people might like her. She was home schooled. Like all over eager middle aged women on Big Brother, she will soon unravel.

Lisa
Becoming increasingly easy to hate, Lisa has taken to speaking in mystic mumbo-jumbo to make herself sound interesting. What she doesn't realise is that spiritual gurus would probably steer clear of strange muscle-bound doggers who confuse "out of body experiences" with "being asleep". Won't win.

Rebecca
A disturbing individual who one minute laughs honkingly in the pool with her boobs out, then sulks angrily in the bathroom the next. Might actually be mad. And not in a Sara "kerrazy!" kind of way.

 

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Big Brother NEWS: Who's been bitching too much?

Old fatty and big knockers are losing their sparkle

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If the Big Brother house represents a realistic cross section of society then be warned, absolutely everyone you know is judging your every move behind your back. Even members of your own family. Which is a shame really, because they could all be concentrating on making a good television show instead.

The house is splitting into two massive factions - those who bitch, and those who don't. The main offenders, heading up the backstabbers, are Luke and Bex. Luke has exactly the right blend of humour and weirdness to threaten for the big prize, but his constant nattering about other people's bad points is holding him back. Thankfully, for now, there is enough wit in his malice to keep him in the running, but he needs to be careful. Should Bex get the chop on Friday - which she should - he might think it wise to calm down a bit. He could still run away with it.

Another pair who seem incapable of keeping their thoughts to themselves are Mario and Lisa, now confined to the outdoor chairs, softly deriding their colleagues with middle-aged disdain. Lisa, in particular, is growing ever more strange and difficult to like - plus all that mumbo-jumbo about out-of-body experiences will have left a bad mark with the more realistic, sane voters. The pair have consistently been joined in the garden by Mikey - another inmate with a decreasing likability factor. On his way into the house he looked a fantastic bet - not only blind, but a standup comic to boot. Brilliant! Unfortunately, he has proven to be the planet's least funny and most shouty comedian, and his “jokes” so far have been either totally vile or completely misjudged. He won't win, which will come as an almighty shock to Mario, who has seemingly adopted him in a bid to become popular.

Those talking, but not snarling, behind people's backs include Belinda, who roars herself to sleep at night, and is already telling anyone who'll listen what she thinks about people - and Darnell, now looking a likely victor. To their credit, their bitching seems to take on a positive flavour much of the time. Voters might even like that.

The rest of the housemates seem slightly less comfortable speaking their minds, especially in the wake of Jennifer and Sylvia getting the boot. A number of them, however, still have no chance of winning, even if they do keep their noses clean. Rachel is far too drippy to incite any kind of passion with the viewers. Dale has been rendered wet-lipped and mute since Jennifer left his side - if his face were a noise, it'd be a whimper. Mo, to paraphrase Darnell, is just a bit of an idiot, albeit a harmless one. And Stuart has now taken to explaining to all and sundry that he's feeling totally paranoid. Well, great news Stuart, you needn't be paranoid about winning. Never going to happen.

Which leaves Rex, Kathreya, Sara and Maysoon. It's too early to say anything about the two new girls, beyond the fact that Sara is Australian, making her an unlikely winner (foreigners, bar Nadia – series five - don’t tend to fare well), and Maysoon seems far too quiet and reserved to swoop to victory. Rex survived the vote, but is still unpopular with his peers, while Kathreya’s genuinely sweet nature started to rile her so-called pals. She will still do well, mainly by virtue of being the least bitchy person in the whole world.

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Big Brother NEWS: Women out first, apparently

Warning: BB voters don't just hate girls, they HAAATE them

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Jennifer will face the booing crowds on Friday, having committed a number of cardinal Big Brother sins.

Unfortunately for the dinky little Geordie, the voting public demands that beautiful girls on television be either a bit thick or enormously sweet - like, say, Kelly Brook, for example. From Day One, Jennifer has been far too savvy, far too opinionated (in that she had some opinions), and by bitching about her fellow tenants, she will have completely alienated the masses. Voters can't stand bitching, it makes them sad. She went into the house a ballsy single mum, but has morphed into an evil ice queen, observing the other housemates from the depths of her bathroom hideout. It's probably best that she go now - another week she'd only be seen in night vision scuttling about the kitchen foraging for snacks.

Dale and Stuart will, of course, be totally devastated. Their roles in the house will be dictated in the coming weeks. Dale would be wise to showcase a lighter side of his personality - gormlessly staring at Jennifer hasn't done a great deal for his winning chances. It will be interesting to see how the males of the house cope with the womenfolk dwindling. Stuart, the more dominant of the pair, will probably tussle with Rex and Mario for the Alpha male role.

The other inmate facing eviction, Rex, will be safe for the time being. Regardless of his immovable smirk and voice so posh that it's just one big slurring noise, he has earned all important sympathy points, as the housemates seem to enjoy ganging up on him. Paul from series two had a similar problem, and he survived five public votes.

On very thin ice is Rebecca - not so long ago threatening to be the dark horse of the show. She appears to have gone into total meltdown, her cheerful demeanor replaced with a teenage surliness. Vandalizing hapless Mohamed's favourite belt pretty much signed her death warrant. Next Friday, she could easily become the fifth girl to get the boot, leaving the house absolutely heaving with blokes, give or take the odd bodybuilder or cookie monster.

Cemented in the house for the time being are Luke - popular and back to his best during the nomination show - Kathreya, Darnell, and the world's most disturbing middle aged couple, Mario and Lisa. Somehow, literally no one knows how, the lovers have managed to win over the insiders, thanks solely to not being mean. Irritating and irksome, yes, but never cruel.

Mikey, though not half as popular as the insiders probably assume, did benefit hugely from the recent "pretend to be blind" task, so should also be safe for a time. His thrilling affliction would have been a brilliant votes magnet in years gone by, but the viewers, like the show, have become increasingly cynical. He won't win

And as for Rachel - she has done nothing to rile the viewers, even though her housemates find her sickeningly kind. Safe for a bit.

Hence, Popbet predicts Jennifer to be slung in front of the baying mob this week, and Bex to go next week.

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Big Brother BETTING: The Lucky Thirteen

Jennifer looks set to be the next out

That's right, they're all still there, draping themselves around the house, pretending to have hidden depths. Below are the final thirteen in reverse order, most unpopular first...

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Jennifer
Oh dear, it's all gone a little bit bosoms up for Jennifer, who started the show as a plucky outspoken single mum, but has morphed into a strange loner observing the housemates from the depths of her bathroom hideout. Any longer and she'd only be seen in night vision scuttling about the kitchen gathering snacks in the early hours. Should she face eviction this week - which she will - she will almost certainly go.

Rebecca
Bex has done everything wrong this week, from the ill-judged opinion-attack on sweet little Kat, to heaving out her breasts and telling the housemates that Big Brother made her do it. Big Brother will not take kindly to those kind of allegations. She'll need a miracle to bounce back.

Lisa
Sadly for Lisa, a warped sense of personal amazingness can work on a lumbering cretin like Mario, but listening to her regale the bored housemates with tales of people telling her how brilliant she is makes you prey for Alexandra to re-emerge into the house with an Uzi, spraying wildly. She'll be the first of the doggers to go.

Dale and Stuart
Now almost indistinguishable, Dale and Stuart simply wander about the house casually bouncing their pectoral muscles, only stopping to earnestly explain to Jennifer that sometimes they cry, and yes, they understand what it is to hurt inside. Unfortunately, neither will win, because they're both unfathomable idiots.

Mohamed
There's something impossible to hate about Mohamed - it might be that he has the look of a hapless young man who has spent his life inadvertently veering into the eye of the storm. He did nothing to warrant the contents of Dennis' vile mouth, and he seems the least callous of the inmates. Will no doubt be nominated for weeks to come, but his lack of venom should see him safe.

Mario
Thanks to the surprisingly aggressive nature of the younger housemates, Mario has transformed from the "funny guy at work" (i.e. not remotely funny), into a kind of in-house Gandalf. He showed a cool head during the dramas by taking on the role of a health and safety obsessed Wetherspoon's pub bouncer. He could yet surprise everyone. Apart from his great pals, Ant and Dec, of course. They already knew he was brilliant.

Rex
Everyone is ganging up on Rex and it is unfair. But then you notice the vest, the half-grin, the muttered demands, the drainpipes, the voice so posh it's just a long slurring noise, and it's hard to feel overly sorry for the bloke. On very thin ice. Or "veh thih eye", as Kat would say.

Luke
Oh Jesus, Luke! He could have had the whole thing sewn up by now. He ticked all the boxes - geeky, funny, outspoken, sexually confused. It was in the bag. But then out popped a queeny bitching side, and his descent down the greasy pole began. So to speak. He needs to get back to being Mr Funny.

Mikey
MIKEY HAS MADE SHOUTING IN THE DIARY ROOM HIS THING. INSIDE THE HOUSE HE CAN BE FOUND DANCING WITH MARIO OR BITCHING WITH MARIO OR TALKING TO AN EMPTY SPACE WHERE HE THOUGHT MARIO WAS, ALL AT A VOLUME THAT EVEN BLIND PEOPLE SHOULD APPRECIATE AS FAR TOO LOUD. AFTER ALL HAVEN'T THEY GOT SUPERSENSITIVE HEARING? In short, needs to shut up.

Rachel
Last time, we said this about Rachel: Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003, and so far she has showcased a strange wrinkly forehead, apologised for absolutely everything anyone else has done wrong, and wept. Too dull to win. Nothing has changed.

Darnell
Amongst the yammering paranoids, Darnell seems to be the most fair and clear headed (no pun) in there. Fighting for the underdog - Mo - will have won him a big portion of the audience, and he comes across as a nice guy. His smooth RnB voice might even turn women on a bit.

Kathreya
Her worth is increasing hugely, thanks to being picked on by Bex (sympathy points) and calmly informing Rex that he can sometimes come across as an arrogant so-and-so, but in a way that didn't seem intended to be cruel or hurtful. Who'd have thought that a grown woman in a romper suit belowing "cookie" every three/four minutes could be the most normal in there? The one to beat.

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Big Brother BETTING: Post spitgate

It's all gone Pete mental....

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The fallout from FIGHT NIGHT has been huge, with brainless Big Brother contestants once again lurching to the false conclusion that people would appreciate having their bad points told to them on a daily basis - preferably in list form. That way, Jennifer can stomp into the boy's room whenever she's feeling bored, and explain to Rex that he is unpopular because he's posh, humourless, and makes her feel this small. But God forbid he reply in kind, else there will be tears.

Fight Night Losers

Jennifer - thundering her way to a world of boos with some abhorrent spitgate behaviour. Her total over-reaction caused the fight, and her relentless stirring of the pot in the aftermath will have alienated a massive portion of the female voters - many of whom will have been rooting for the plucky single mum. By flirting with both Dale and Stuart, she has morphed into an evil manipulator, and should she face eviction this week, she would almost certainly go.

Dale and Stuart - almost indistinguishable, their job appears to involve wandering about the house inadvertently making their pectoral muscles bounce, before talking earnestly to Jennifer about unmacho things like feelings and how they cry sometimes. By ganging up on Rex and Mohamed for little apparent reason, they ended up looking like a pair of prats. And Dale, in particular, is becoming increasingly moody and forlorn. Neither will win.

Rebecca - Pre-spitgate, Bex provided much needed comic relief in the house by being thick as a bucket of mud, but cheerful. She now resembles an infuriated teenager, and needs to stop sharing her "opinions" with the world. By bullying poor defenseless Kat, she didn't just shoot herself in the foot, she totally butchered both legs. She'll need a miracle to bounce back.

Fight Night Winners

Mario - Thanks to the surprisingly aggressive nature of the younger housemates, Mario has transformed from the "funny guy at work" (i.e. not remotely funny), into a kind of in-house Gandalf. He showed a cool head during the dramas, and even managed to calm down a raging Mo. Firmly established as an important member of the house, he could yet surprise everyone. Apart from his fans, Ant and Dec, of course. They already knew he was brilliant.

Darnell - Amongst the yammering paranoids, Darnell seems to be the most fair and clear headed (no pun). Fighting for the underdog - Mo - will have won him a big portion of the audience. A nice guy.

Mohamed - There's something impossible to hate about Mohamed, it might be that he has the look of a man who has spent his life inadvertently veering into the eye of the storm. He did nothing to warrant Dennis' disgusting saliva in his face, and he seems the least callous of the inmates. Will no doubt be nominated for weeks to come, but his lack of venom should see him safe.

Of the other housemates, Luke needs to stop bitching, it's ruining his comic vibe, Lisa should probably stop lying about her modeling credentials - there's just no need, we're not blind (except Mikey) - and Rachel and Kat would be wise to show some depth beneath the happy-clappy cookie songs. Big Brother winners must be well-rounded.

As for Rex – a total personality overhaul will be needed to keep him safe. Informing Bex of her fatness was probably his worst move yet – tubby girls can’t forgive.

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Big Brother NEWS: All over for Sylvia

She could have been a contender etc...

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Time is running out for Sylvia, the girl who spent the first week or so playing the part of Alexandra's cackling sidekick, but then went on to clumsily reinvent herself as a deranged bunny boiler - actually waking Stuart up to demand he stop flirting with her was totally bananas. And unfortunately for Sylvia, that kind of strange obsessive behaviour  is a huge Big Brother no-no - Michelle Bass suffered for her man-based mania in series five, Chanelle lost the plot around Ziggy last year, and was eventually bundled out of the house in tears. The only way a girl can survive is to befriend the men, perhaps flirt a little, but never lose their alluring feminine cool - a game that Jennifer has down to a tee with Dale.

Sylvia has played the game appallingly badly, and only twice in Big Brother have there been eviction shocks that would compare to her surviving against Mohamed - the first when Spencer lost out to neurotic Alex in Big Brother 3, and the second when Bubble couldn't oust Paul (the most unerringly dull man alive) in Big Brother 2. Recent history, however, would suggest that she has no hope – when the popularity gulf between two nominees is so huge, the obvious choice goes. Mohamed will survive.

Hence, this looks set to be the third series of eight to eliminate three girls in a row at the start – the others being series four (Anouska, Justine, Sissy) and series six (Mary, Lesley, Sam). Never have four girls been ejected in a row, so next week, one of the guys will get it, and the field is wide open.

Mohamed is likely to be up again, unless his eating habits suddenly change dramatically, but joining him could be any one of Dennis, Darnell, Rex – who is becoming increasingly unpopular, now the victim of Dale’s unlikely vicious tongue – and even Luke. Luke, in particular, is beginning to develop cracks, with both Rachel and Darnell becoming suspicious of his role as everyone’s friend, but his standing in the outside world should guarantee his survival should he face eviction. In a house full of paranoid maniacs, he, like the favourite Kat comes in as blessed comic relief.

Less likely to have the public on his side is the increasingly big-headed and bitchy Dennis, who has developed a stock in deriding his colleagues the minute their backs are turned – a huge turn off for voters. If he’s up, he’ll be the first man out. But the two with the most work to do are Rex and Mo, who appear to be drifting from the group, and need to start picking up popularity points with the floaters, like Bex, Mikey, and the muscular couple Mario and Lisa – both somehow safe for the time being after a very rocky beginning.

But for now, it’s farewell to Sylvia. Next week, Dennis or Rex.

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Big Brother BETTING: Winners Market

No place at the top for Stu

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And so Dale slumped in the bathroom, weeping softly, explaining that he's always been picked on because of "the way I look" - by which he presumably meant he was bullied because if his inability to fully house his immense tongue in such a tiny pouting mouth. The meanies will be pleased to know that they can resume their mockery in good time. Dale won't win, he lacks the necessary energy/charisma to make teenie voters fall in love with him, and now even Big Brother is picking on him by sending in a stronger, funnier and better looking version of him into the house in the form of Stuart - a muscular single dad intended to make Dale’s love interest, Jennifer, swoon. On the plus side for Dale, Stuart might be cooler than him, but he's far too staggeringly cocksure to go the distance - a bit like Josh from Big Brother 2, another late arrival.

Others who can forget about whooping crowds and celebratory fireworks are Sylvia, Dennis, Mario and Lisa. Sylvia will have alienated the flocks of coupled up girlfriends/boyfriends with her sexually aggressive behaviour towards new boy Stu - she is every contented girlfriend's worst nightmare, and as Stuart rightfully suggests, a "minx". Once up, she could easily be eliminated. Dennis has made the same mistake as Billi from last year by attempting to go in with a game plan, completely unaware that no one bothers with those any more. His constant second guessing has made him look bitchy and paranoid, he will either find eviction or a nervous breakdown in the next few weeks.

Lisa and Mario have come to resemble the kind of people who meet other couples in car parks and down shady looking lanes, and their bath-times are becoming increasingly disturbing. The gap between them and the rest of the group is growing, hence they won't do anything to dispel the fact that older people can't win Big Brother.

Making up the middle of the pack are Rex, Mo, Rachel, Darnell, Jennifer and Michael. Rex, Mo and Darnell could all yet rise or fall down the ranks, having so far played their cards close to their chests. Of the three, Mohamed seems the most sympathetic character, recently demonstrating a strong sense of justice when he took on Sylvia for her biscuit and beer thievery, and his civil war back story is absolutely thrilling. The big question is whether an interesting life can make for an interesting human being - the same applies to jailbird Darnell. Of the girls, Jennifer has buckets of opinion and a kindly Geordie accent, but as a straight-faced single mum, seemingly underwhelmed by the joys of motherhood, she lacks the necessary euphoria to go all the way. Rachel is, so far, too boring to win, and Michael was supposed to play a cheerfully afflicted blind man, but has proved too menacing and bitter. Big Brother rules state that those with disabilities must be cheerful at all times (Pete, winner, series seven).

Which leaves Kathreya, Luke and Bex. Both girls should fare well, as they have the right mix of likability and funny stuff to keep voters happy, but with only one genetic girl winner ever (Kate Lawler, series three), all out victory should be a bridge too far. Hence Luke looks the most interesting bet for the time being, and his diary room sound bites are reminiscent of Jon Tickle (series four) and Glynn (series seven), two of the show's most popular characters.

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Big Brother NEWS: Everything you need to know

Look, a brilliant graph!

Don't sit at home with a bucket of crayons trying to fashion your own Big Brother graph, based on in-house activity and betting trends. Simply look at the one we prepared earlier!

You're welcome.

(click the colourful box next to their name to chart their progress) 

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Big Brother BETTING: Only FIFTEEN to go

It will never end...

Once again another generation of oiks have smudged their way onto television to promote the idea that people should spend their days telling one another exactly what they think. That way everyone will think them totally "genuine", and the world will be a better place. Have these people ever considered that this method doesn't exactly work? After all, wasn't it a certain Mr Hitler who decided to tell Europe what he thought of them - TO THEIR FACE? Yes. Yes it was.

This week, the strongest of the fifteen doofuses decend like so...

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But first, have a look at the Big Brother Predictor!

 

 

Kathreya
Still has something of everyone's favourite bosomy gentleman/prostitute, Nadia (winner, series five), about her. Plus she seems genuinely kind, which is a tremendous votes magnet. On the downside, it would be a sad day for modern society when to win Big Brother you just need to squeeze into a giant onesie and scream about cookies. She might start to grate.

Luke
Like Glynn (series seven) and Jon Tickle (series four), Luke looks all set to become a geeky cult figure. Were this the 1970s, and real life were one big Carry On film, he'd be played by Charles Hawtrey. That's a good thing. Probably the one to beat.

Michael
Michael had it all - the thrilling disability (Pete Bennett, winner, series seven), the whole being Scottish thing (Cameron Stout, winner, series four) - but it looks like he's thrown it all away. No one wants to watch a bitter blind gentleman bitching about his fellow guests, his appeal has gone into freefall. Won't win.

Darnell
Ironically if there's going to be a dark horse in the competition, Darnell, the Albino black man, is that horse. Of all the housemates, he looks the most likely to go on an in-house "journey", and his gang-land back story seems the most invigorating of the lot. He is also avoiding the cliques - a good survival technique.

Rachel
Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003, and so far she has showcased a strange wrinkly forehead, apologised for absolutely everything anyone else has done wrong, and wept. That said, the more middle of the road voters will think she's just like them. Safe for a good while yet.

Rex
Rex likes nothing more than slipping into a pair of white drainpipes, popping on a vest, and carving up onions in the kitchen. It's his vibe. And while he's at it, he might talk in a voice so posh that it's just a long slurring noise. A strong contender.

Dale
Dale - shipped in from Topman in Liverpool - appears to struggle to keep his giant tongue inside his mouth. It's only a matter of days before it finally just drops out and rolls down his body towards the floor, and then just sways around his ankles for the remainder of his stay. Which incidentally could be a while should his will they/ won't they romance with Jennifer hot up. Has the potential to cause an upset (like Anthony, winner, series six).

Rebecca
Totally thick and not in a good Sam and Amanda (last year) kind of way. She spends her time either speaking utter nonsense that even a toddler would find amateurish, or astonishing everyone by taking her bosoms out and leaping around, giggling like a maniac. It's like watching a monkey, only less intellectually stimulating.

Jennifer
Girls will either love or hate Jennifer - she's the soft spoken Geordie, who appears to be spending most of her experience toying with Dale's hormones. Somehow she is a mother, which will split people right down the middle - some will champion the young single mum living her dream, others will wonder where her baby is.

Mohamed
When he's not piling as much food from the paltry basic rations into his mouth, Mohamed has something of Brian Belo's wide-eyed cheefulness about him. Even with Alexandra standing inches away jabbing her spikey finger into his eye, demanding that he stop eating all the time, he appears to be having the best time in the world. One to keep a very intense eye on.

Sylvia
Good on Sylvia for removing herself from the Alexandra orbit of anger, but she now needs to concentrate on wowing the nation. Her bold speak of Christianity seems to clash with her having a pierced tongue and clitoris. What kind of God allows that kind of behaviour? Won't win, might prove something of a vixen.

Dennis
What a wee little bastard Dennis is turning out to be. He comes from the school of codswallop that proposes that people would appreciate knowing exactly what you think of them at all times, on the assumption that they remotely give a monkeys in the first place - N.B they don't. A horrible dancer.

Mario and Lisa
Oh Christ, they've started actually doing it, smearing their grubby fingers all over eachother in the bath, in the bedroom, it's disgusting. His conversational technique of reciting positive slogans and hoping they bear relevance to the situation has become dull, while she looks like Xena Warrior Princess struggling with a crippling bout of depression. He needs his made up fan club to start voting, and fast. Neither will win.

Alexandra
With Charley last year, Big Brother stumbled across just the right blend of abhorrent ranting and genuine kindness. Alexandra appears sired of Satan himself in comparison. No hope.

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BIG BROTHER: Meet the Idiots

Look at them, all shiny and stupid

Gone are the days when Big Brother was viewed as thrilling social experimentation. Now, we just want to see people having sex in cages. In fact, perhaps next year's Big Brother 10 should be called Sex in Cages. What a show that would be.

Anyway, perhaps having sex in a cage over the summer are this little lot. But who will win? The fifteen unbelievable idiots, or the sympathetic blind man?

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Michael
Thanks to his blindness, Michael is the stand out contender. Pete Bennett (winner, series seven) had Tourette's, and in a similar vein, phoning in to evict a blind man would be tantamount to shooting a fluffy little puppy. He should be safe at least for the early stages, or at least until everyone has forgotten that he's blind, and his bellowing demands from the sofa become unbearable to watch. The favourite.

Kathreya
With her quirky nature, and being so dinky that you could carry her in a handbag, Kathreya will rule the gay vote. Her manic entrance brought back disturbing visions of a buxom young gentleman called Nadia (winner, series five).

Luke
A young Conservative, Luke wears suits because they make him feel strong and sexy, and he may or may not be gay. Like Glynn (series seven), he looks the most likely cult figure.

Darnell
What's more fascinating - that he's an Albino black man? Or that he was thrown out of America for "gang activity"? Either way, another one waving the underdog card, although whooping his way into the house brandishing a massive American football was just odd.

Dale
Dale, what the HELL? His intro video starred a dispicable little toad, berating the very existence of ugly people. How dare they talk to him! That said, should his personality improve dramatically, his looks could carry him to the final (like Anthony, winner, series six).

Rachel
Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003. She is also best friends with Hugh Grant, or something. Should she stop her inane blabbering, she will might prove a very interesting bet.

Rex
This years token hideously hatable rich kid, Rex will either shatter everyone's illusions by turning out okay, or leave to the muffled sounds of being knocked out by a deeply infuriated bouncer.

Mohamed
A cheerful toy demonstrator with a disturbing back story - he fled Somalia to escape civil war - and a massive afro, Mohamed has something on Brian Belo's wide-eyed eagerness about him. Voters will find that a terrific turn on.

Dennis
A hysterical gay dancer from Scotland, Dennis thought it a good idea to prance into the house using a shiny hat as a prop. Being this shriekingly camp hasn't won the show yet - Brian Dowling (winner, series two) was deep, introsopective, and a little bit monotone in comparison.

Mario and Lisa
These two look staggeringly close to having sex at any minute, so how they will possibly cope with pretending never to have met is a mystery. Far too old to win, they have the whiff of swingers about them. Older people tend to become sullen and irritable once the shine of being on Big Brother has finally worn off (Carole, last year; Roberto, series six).

Stephanie
Once tried to get into Girls Aloud, Stephanie is a pretty young should-be-WAG, but will have a job on her hands winning over voting girls. Might prove to good looking for the more catty voters.

Jennifer
Lots of the housemates have been left with a mountain to climb following hideous launch night videos. Saskia in series six spent two minutes deriding the existence of ethnic minorities in Britain, much like this year's single mum Jennifer, who has already alienated liberal pro-life viewers after her totally unnecessary political rantings. Whoops.

Rebecca
Brunette bottom flashing nanny who communicates by screaming, she seems far too vacuous and irritating, and not in a good Sam and Amanda (last year) kind of way. Won't win.

Sylvia
Spent two minutes explaining that no, she is trendy. Hence a "trendy" Christian from Sierra Leone, she is fantastic looking and a flirt – two traits which guarantee safe passage through the first couple of weeks.

Alexandra
Thought it wise to tell the world how special she is, a trick that served Charley Uchea fairly well last year, but Charley wasn't a single mum who had taken to Islam - Middle England's second most feared religion. She has it all to do.

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BIG BROTHER NEWS: Spot the winner

Yes, it's that time again - go fetch the rotten eggs

Hey everyone, remember Amy Alexandra? Brunette, busty... no? What about David Parnaby from Scotland? No? Okay, what about Jonathan Durden or Laura Williams? Nothing? Right, do you remember Nicky Maxwell? You don't. Lesley Brain? Liam McGough? Ahhh, Seany O'Kane, you must remember Seany O'Kane. Or Shanessa! You know - Shanessa with the horrible bosoms. Ziggy? Chanelle? Brian? Charley? Oh come on - THE TWINS! SHABNAM (pictured)!

This Thursday, another list of names you won't remember next year joins Channel 4 for the summer. Only one will survive...

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» The average age of the winners from the last eight series has been around 25, with Brian Belo the youngest yet at 20, and Cameron from series four the oldest at 32.

» In every house since season one in 2000, the first person to be evicted has been female.

» Forming a couple is a good survival strategy - Brian and that twin last year, Paul and Helen in series two, Kate and Spencer in series three, Nikki and Pete in series seven, and even Craig and Anthony in series six, even if it was a bit like the relationship between a confused swan and a pedalo. That said, if the female voting population takes a dislike to the girl in question, her return to the other world is imminent - as busty Saskia in series six, Grace in series seven, and the fruitcake Michelle Bass in series five discovered the hard way.

» Only one genetic girl has ever won - Kate Lawler, series three. Transexual Nadia, winner of season five is the perfect example of the trend for the winner overcoming some kind of adversity. Craig (season one) was after the cash to pay for a heart op for a Down’s Syndrome sufferer, Brian (two) was frightened about coming out on TV, Cameron (four) was a Christian and a virgin, and Pete (seven) was battling Tourettes. Brian, last year, was a lovable moron. Look for the likable underdog.

» Brian is the only ever winner not to have been in the house from the very first night - last year, you may remember, was girls only for a week.

» The contestant who talks to the Diary Room the most can often win over the public. Alex (three), Jon Tickle (four), Victor (five) – all spent more time in the diary room than anyone else, ensuring plenty of air time. Brian's relationship with Big Brother did contributed a lot to his win.

» Even on the inside they champion the underdog, so early nominees up for eviction will often last the course. A point proven by Helen (two), nominated in week one before going on to be runner-up. Alex (three) was nominated in week two, but survived to come third. And Glyn (seven) was up for eviction in the first week but clung on to come second behind everyone's early favourite, Pete.

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The Apprentice BETTING: Just five left

This week, the wolves get their hands on them...

To know what Sir Alan looks for in an employee, you just need to glance at his grey haired sidekicks. One, Nick Hewer, constantly has the look of a man who has just entered a particularly rancid public toilet, and the other, Margaret Mountford, is a Cambridge Educated scholar who champions women in the workplace. Neither would be found in a business meeting barking at the rest of the room to let them finish speaking. Hence, loud people, beware. This week, they face the wolves

Lee McQueen (evens)
Sugar adores a thrilling back story (former winner Michelle Dewberry worked in Kwik Save), and Lee is a massive Spurs fan sired of a milkman. That said, his guffawing brand of business speak will make Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer feel sick to their stomachs. A strong contender nonetheless.

Claire Young (2/1)
While Sugar quite likes strong women (Saira Khan, series one; Ruth Badger, series two), he doesn't go on to employ them. A repulsive former Magaluf holiday rep has already ruffled His Sugary Highness more than once. And yet, she seems to be improving.

Alex Wotherspoon (4/1)
Absolutely impossible to like, Alex has made his stock reaction to his team leaders one of total unhelpfulness and buck-passing. A hunch suggests that his icy business speak will see him safe for another few weeks, before he gets utterly brutalised by Sugar's sneering industry pals. Won't win. Please, won't win.

Lucinda Ledgerwood (12/1)
All of the other girls appear to find Lucinda totally impossible to like, spending most of their time tucked away in groups yammering about what a bitch she is. But, to the rest of the world, she seems perfectly likable (if a bit posh) and a great team leader. Her lack of sales expertise will probably count against her.

Helene Speight (80/1)
At 32-years-old, Sir Alan will think Helene far too hideously past it for a youthful company like his. All of the winners so far have been either 26 or 27, and she so far comes across like a poor man's Ruth Badger, only less of a lesbian.

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American Idol BETTING: The Final Three

It's a tale of two Davids

Oh at last, the weird hippy has gone. His parting shot was a revolting Bob Marley impersonation that was not a million miles away from your Granddad doing his hilarious "Indian man" to an agog audience. Thankfully he just about refrained from wearing a rainbow hat and brandishing a pretend joint.

Borderline racism aside, three remain, and they're all in it to win it, innit.

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David Cook
In the last show, David wasn't all at the races, he says he just felt weird all day. Oh really? Feeling weird is no excuse, David, American Idols must feel great at all times. Working in his favour is that American Idol has lost so much of its appeal that the "zany" act could win for once, going against him is that Archuleta will be hugely appealing to teenie girls and cheerleaders.

David Archuleta
While he's a fantastic singer, there is something enormously dull about Archuleta - notably his lack of "journey". He's been the front runner right from the off, but his performances have been consistantly good rather than dazzling - this might cost him, as new voters are unlikely to be moved. Still the most likely winner however.

Syesha Mercado
Of all the contestants, Syesha seems like the only one who is actually improving as the show progresses. Unfortunately this is very much the tale of two Davids, and she won't be winning it.

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American Idol BETTING: The Final Five

Mr Rock is threatening Mr Dreamy Pop...

Don't worry kids, the strange man with the tattoos on his face won't be flashing onto your screens during American Idol any more, his loud Irish wife has been bundled off the show. And, before you say it, no the terrifying frog faced gentleman won't be returning either, he's going back to his day job of being Andrew Lloyd Webber. Five people will be returning however, and they read like this:

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David Archuleta
When not singing, it's near impossible to tell whether David is really awake or not - the eyes droop, the smile goes into a fixed close-mouthed grin like he's having a nice little dream, and he appears to have given up speaking. But when he sings, it's like his voice was woven from Angel syrup... whatever that means. The judges have cooed over him from day one and voting girls will think he's dreamy. Still the favourite.

David Cook
Every year there appears to be one"daring" contestant who doesn't play by the damn rules, thank you very much. And this year, David is that rebel. He'll take your little pop song, Mr Cowell, and he'll SHOUT IT into a rock song. That's right, a scary rock song that angry kids will enjoy being angry to. And then he will probably finish second to the sleepy pop singer who did stick to the rules, sooo...

Jason Castro
When Jason giggles like a total thicko and mutters something about not really knowing where he is or what he's doing, everyone seems to think he's just being charming and funny, but it could be a genuine cry for help - he just wants to go home to his wigwam. Even his hideous rendition of Memories wasn't enough to make people hate him. This week he would be wise to sing some traditional Taliban songs if he really wants to stop being on telly. On the plus side for the ridiculous trustafarian, he won't ever win.

Syesha Mercado
Of all the contestants, Syesha seems like the only one who is actually improving as the show progresses, and Lloyd Webber week was a corker - yet she still found herself in the bottom two. There is no way she will win, but don't bet against her hanging around for longer than expected. And she's expected to go this week.

Brooke White
Brooke has delicious blonde hair and a nice smoky voice. Unfortunately she is wound so tight that just catching a glimpse of her from the corner of your eye could bring you out in a fit of anxiety. Last week she stopped the band and demanded they start again, a move which made Paula Abdul feel disgusted. She needs some of Castro's pot. Won't win.

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American Idol BETTING: Six of the best

Archuleta still winning...

Waves of worry were forming at the thought of Kristy Lee Cook winning American Idol. A country and western hillbilly she appeared just shows away from taking the stage in a Confederate flag to sing old KKK numbers, pitchfork in hand. Had her brain been totally vacuumed, and replaced solely with pro-America slogans? No matter, she's gone now, and only the normal children are left... and David Cook.

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David Archuleta
In day to day speak, David struggles, constantly sounding like a wheezing old man desperately attempting to elongate his final breath. But give the kid a mic and a backing track, and boy oh boy - Randy thinks he could sing the phone book! Simon is in love with him, and Paula is convinced... that.. his soul is so.... pure... that... when he opens his heart... Oh Sweet Jesus, hurry up woman! The one to beat.

David Cook
Thoughtful David is so damn brainy he could probably pluck amazing words like "nuance" out of thin air if he wanted to - this makes him a very unusual customer. Also making him look weird is his thing for shouting songs, each one building up to a war-cry crescendo that leaves the whole of America totally agog. Who is this inspirational geek/goth? Here's who - he's Blake Lewis (Mr. Weirdo, runner up, 2007), and set for a top three finish.

Jason Castro
Wowed America with a stoned rant about how he likes the beach, but doesn't go there much, before petering out, gently giggling to himself. Large portions of voting girls will find him a bit dreamy, while to the rest of America he's the result of some more hippies they forgot to beat to death in the 60s. Won't win.

Brooke White
Brooke has delicious blonde hair and a nice smoky voice. Unfortunately she is wound so tight that her post-performance interviews are horrific to watch, and last week her nerves forced her to thunder her way through Hero by Mariah Carey like she was doing the Jive Bunny remix. Likely to be the top girl, she might yet cause a light ripple of upset.

Carly Smithson
Increasingly livid Carly roars through her songs as if she is shouting them directly into Simon Cowell’s face with a knife pressed to his throat. Plus her husband has his entire head tattooed, which frightens children. Hence she could never win.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha has a big, strong voice, but she somehow lacks the soul of contestants gone by. Her day job reads "actress" which probably goes some way to explaining why she seems overly polished for a show that looks for potential. That said, a black girl has always featured in the top five, so she should be safe for another week. Just.

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Politics BETTING: Who will be YOUR Mayor?

Assuming you live in Laaandaaaaan....

Dick Whittington is surely the only tale – factual or fictional – in which a young man overcomes all obstacles in order to achieve his dream of working in local government. Fortunately for generations of youngsters, the pantomime version skates over how Mayor Whittington's enthusiasm stood up to years of housing budget debate and community policing initiatives and instead explores the audience's ability to withstand torture by double entendre. No such fun during the 2008 London mayoral election, in spite of one of the candidates, Boris Johnson, having a genuine world class talent for buffoonery. His opponent, the dour Livingstone, is the kind of character more likely to appear on stage when the lights are down to indicate "night," or "a forest", yet in spite of his vastly superior talent for political manipulation he trails handsome Boris in the betting markets with just over a week to go. Will the innocent young twit Johnson get to realize his lifelong ambition of wearing the spangly costume of local authority power? Not if the current mayor can nobble him in the woods first. But time's running out Kenneth, and he's not behind you…

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Strategy
Both candidates have adopted a similar approach - keep very still and let the other guy make the mistakes. Ken clearly believes that he is only candidate actually capable of doing the job, and having knocked out two Conservative campaigns in a row (Steven Norris, 2000 and 2004) he is understandably complacent. "The only real thing [Boris] has ever managed is a small Right-wing magazine, where the most difficult decision was where to take the staff for lunch," he scoffed. The Johnson campaign team meanwhile focuses solely on keeping Boris's foot out of his mouth. Something they have done with aplomb - bar an empty promise to reverse the smoking ban, that is.

The Polls
The numbers have skittered around a little, but they have kept the betting lively. A YouGov poll published by the Evening Standard a couple of weeks ago had Boris 13 points out in front. Another YouGov poll published by the Guardian just a week later had Boris' lead at a single point. With an average voting turnout of around 35 per cent, much will depend on how vehement the anti-Labour vote has become. The suspicion is that a small voting turnout would be hugely favourable for Boris - the thought being that those most desperate for a change in office will vote - while a bigger percentage would see common sense prevail, and the lumbering buffoon can go about his scruffy business without ruining the capital.

Policy
Still something of a mystery. Both candidates speak of the importance of doing something about crime, housing, education and transport, but without specifying what it is or how much it might cost. Ken proposes to cut speed limits to 20 mph on some residential streets, Boris has decided that policemen should be posted on buses to stop everyone stabbing each other at night. Strangely he has gone from heaping praise on public transport - having no fears for children taking the tube alone - to brandishing it a frightening experience. On the whole, though, both have maintained a near-Trappist silence on their real plans for the capital.

The Gaffes
This is a category Boris was expected to dominate, but he's largely managed to control himself. His only big mistake so far came when he told a meeting organised by the homeless charity Shelter that he lived in a huge house worth "shedloads of money." Otherwise, his remarks have been uncharacteristically bland - although his stubborn refusal to name who might be joining him in office has caused many raised eyebrows.

The Graft
This is a category Ken has all to himself. Murky donations from property developers. Close aides forced to leave following accusations of cronyism and sexual impropriety (saucy text messages). Rumours that he is deliberately suppressing information about the true cost of the Olympics. This side of Ken Livingstone has done all the headline grabbing.

The Verdict?
Ken's instinct for a good electoral scrap certainly means sooner or later he'll come out swinging - he has stood for two and won two mayoral elections, so he knows what he's doing. That said, Labour won the last Mayoral election and went on to win the General Election the following year, hence this year's Mayoral election is expected to reflect the nation's feelings about next year's big one. This could spell trouble... or, worse still, B.O.R.I.S.

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American Idol BETTING: The last seven

It WILL end one day, that's a promise

Finally, the boring Australian who could out-dull Moira Stewart has left the building. Paula fancied him a bit, but to the rest of the universe he was a librarian pretending to be Michael Hutchence at an awkward fancy dress party. The little husky chap still looks like the child to beat, having this week made Angels by Robbie Williams somehow not remind people of how hateful Williams is. Good work, little boy.

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David Archuleta
Was David trained at an early age to say earnest things in a breathy voice whenever he opens his mouth? It's more than likely. What else is more than likely is that the young singer will run away with this series of American Idol. It's a weak line up, and he's the best.

David Cook
Cook has a gigantic forehead where he stores clever words like "metaphor" and "parambulation". He also screams ballads to make them rockier, and the judges love it. Like last year's Blake Lewis, he will do well, but is probably a bit too prone to tinkering to win.

Jason Castro
This week he sang Simon Cowell's favourite song - Over The Rainbow. Nice move, hippy. Now stop pretending to be tripping on mushies. Won't win.

Brooke White
Of all the singers, Brooke has the folkiest voice and the blondest hair. The top three has always featured a woman, and as things stand, that woman looks like being this happy clappy Christian.

Carly Smithson
Carly has taken to roaring her songs with such venom that she almost ruined the kindly nature of last week's show (all proceeds feeding people in Africa, or something). Plus her husband has his entire face tattooed, which is just weird on a primetime show. Even the guy in Prison Break drew a line at the face.

Kristy Lee Cook
It's impossible that Kristy has a brain. Instead, she has had her mind vacuumed, and repackaged with pro-Bush campaign slogans, and is on strict orders to weep whenever she sees an American flag. Please kill her.

Syesha Mercado
A black girl has always featured in the top five, so history dictates that Syesha should have at least another few weeks to play with. On the downside, America appears to hate her, and she now lives in the bottom three. No chance of winning.

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American Idol BETTING: Top Eight

Little Boy all set to win this thing

Gutted, the only thing making this year's American Idol worth watching was the dinky little Filipino woman who could roar like a lion - she was hilarious, like a talking baby, or a dancing rabbit. And now she has gone. Gone back to her land of the small people to sing songs about Simon Cowell and the madwoman Paula Abdul. A land where they eat raisins for dinner.

But who is still there, being all boring and normal?

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David Archuleta

Appears to be drugged, heavy-eyed and wet-lipped when the judges are showering him with praise. Does he return backstage and just collapse? That aside, he's running away with it, thanks to having a great voice and huge teen appeal. With the show's popularity dwindling, the only demographic likely to have stayed on board are the teenage girls - they will love him.

David Cook

Not as original as he'd have you think, David isn't the first man to have made Billie Jean sound like a ballad by the devil. That said, he strikes the right balance of "daring" and "talented" that helped Blake Lewis get to the final last year.

Michael Johns

Far too earnest to win, Michael is so straight-faced that he could probably outstare Moira Stewart. His voice is strong, but foreigners don't make American Idols, and he's an Australian.

Carly Smithson

Tattooed Irish barmaid, she barely conceals a look of total shock whenever Simon doesn't think that she's brilliant. Ruined her own appeal a couple of weeks ago by bursting the American Idol bubble with a clumsy Blackbird metaphor about how she'd been in the industry for years but never made it. Idols need to be unknowns, at least in illusion.

Syesha Mercado

A black girl has always featured in the top five, so history dictates that Syesha should have at least another few weeks to play with. Working against her is that while her voice is strong, it doesn't stand alongside great soul acts from series gone by. Won't win.

Jason Castro

Everyone knows a Castro - he was the guy outside your favourite university pub blowing pointlessly into a didgeridoo, working his way through father's money. Hence the dreadlocks. So far he has survived on charm, needs a massive performance, or it'll be back to his allowance.

Brooke White

White has a great folk voice, but every time she stops singing she morphs into a happy-clappy Jesus idiot. She needs to stop that, and fast. Could yet be the surprise package.

Kristy Lee Cook

Awful, so devoid on anything that you might as well put an empty shell on stage and play a pre-recorded song called Sweet Baby Jesus, Isn't America Just Brilliant. That way Simon will find her impossible to criticise and "Empty Shell" might yet be the next American Idol.

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The Apprentice BETTING: How to make Sugar love you

A simple guide to wooing a bearded gent

Sir Alan Dislikes: Obnoxious people
The Big Suge is torn when it comes to bigheads, clearly aware that they make great television, but the chances of him ever employing one of them is zero. Classic examples are Paul Torrisi (series one), Syed (series two) and Tre (series three) - all made it to the latter stages before Sugar gave them their marching orders. This year's token "character" is Raef Bjayou, who appears to spend most of his time showcasing a revoltingly pompous way of speaking. Alan will hate that. Also on thin ice is Sara Dhada, apparently already a millionaire who wants a job at Amstrad she describes herself as "pure class".
 
Sir Alan Dislikes: Aggressive Women
"Strong" works for Sugar, but "aggressive" is a big no-no. Saira Khan (series one), Ruth Badger (series two) and Kristina Grimes (series three) were all powerful saleswomen who were far too terrifying to employ. Of this year's rabble, Shazia Wahab who describes herself as “a stubborn cow who wants to have the last word” and Claire Young (horsey week one project leader) fit the bill. Wahab stands no chance – she can make the most gentle conversation sound like a stand up argument. Young is a contender: she has already won a challenge and much depends on whether her early success morphs into loathsome overconfidence or whether she can become a team player.
 
Sir Alan Dislikes: Chancers
Chancers don't last in the latter stages of the show, and tend to come unstuck the minute Alan invites his beer-swilling industry pals over to grill the contestants. Paul Tulip (series two) had a particularly brutal time with the bulldogs, as did Tre Azam (series three). So far, Simon Smith has laughed a little too heartily at other people's jokes (a sign!), and Helene Speight comes from that horrible school of business speak, where people say things like "guestimate" and "120 per cent" like they mean anything. Both are sure to fail.
 
Sir Alan Dislikes: Weaklings
Like a hungry lion toying with a mouse, Sir Alan picks off the weaklings, and DESTROYS them. Signs of weakness include: boardroom meltdown (Ifti Chaudhri, second out, last year), total inability to lead (Alexa Tilley, series two), a relaxed niceness (Lohit, series three) and total inability to speak (Tuan Le, series two). As things stand, Kevin Shaw (spiky hair, child's face, bank manager) and Lucinda Ledgerwood (looks like she could cry) haven't dared utter a single word.
 
Sir Alan Likes: A Hard Life
The reality television "journey" is always important. Michelle Dewberry (winner, series two) floated the bearded one's boat because she'd gone from working the tills at Kwik Save to a self made business sensation. And Sugar never said a bad word about Kristina Grimes (final three, series three) who had a tough back story. This bodes well for sturdy looking redhead Jenny Celerier (single mum, taught herself business), and Lindi Mngaze (battled against severe dyslexia to make it into the business world.) At 36, Celerier is too old for Alan (see Sir Alan Likes Youth) and at 22 Mngaze is too young but we’ll see both in the latter stages.
 
Sir Alan Likes: Honest Toil
All of the winners so far (Tim Campbell, series one; Dewberry, series two; Simon Ambrose, series three) have been good team players, unafraid to get their hands dirty - subservient to a point, without ever being incompetent. The two standouts in this regard are Jennifer Maguire, a ballsy 27-year old Irish girl with just the right balance of good looks and grit and "oi, oi I'm a geeezer!" Lee McQueen whose Dad was a milkman. Lee’s too much of a lad to win, but surrounded by business toffs, expect him to stay until around show ten, when he will be ripped to shreds by Sir Alan's unlikable industry pals.
 
Sir Alan Likes: Contestants in their mid-20s
So here is the rub: all the previous winners have been 26 or 27, because Sir Alan likes an employee whom he can mould into a winning business machine. Michael Sophocles at 24, and Ian Stringer (he who can't bring himself to say "loser") at 26 both look like interesting bets. 24-year-old Alex Wotherspoon has ground to make up after losing the first task - no eventual winner has ever faced the sack TWICE. Jennifer Maguire is on target and a good bet.

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American Idol BETTING: Only TWO MONTHS left!

Nine contestants, only one winner, three judges, Paula Abdul's weird...

Simon's method of being nice one week, rude the next is starting to become a little bit predictable to the point where even Paula Abdul's feedback is beginning to seem valid. That is a genuine worry, especially considering that this is a woman who has absolutely no idea what she is about to say at any given moment during the day.

This week Chikezie was hurled back onto the streets like a discarded singer.

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David Archuleta
Still by far the favourite to win it, David is beginning to look a little bit too smiley to be real. No child is that happy. Not one. Freakish joy aside, he is consistantly good, occasionally brilliant. A finalist for sure.

David Cook
David is making his mark by morphing gentle pop songs into the angry rants of a maniac, and Simon loves it. This week he made Billie Jean sound like Satan wrote it, next week he's screaming the words of Wake Me Up Before You Go Go into the face of a frightened child. Presumably. Might yet surprise everyone.

Michael Johns
Australian Michael's decision to sing A Day in The Life (essentially a duet) was absolutely ludicrous, but he has gone somewhere to redeeming himself with a heartfelt rendition of We Are The Champions. Two things work against Michael. One, he is too foreign to win. And Two, he has the air of someone who might be a total cock. Time will tell.

Brooke White
After three brilliant weeks in a row, Brooke decided to go all happy-clappy for a completely disgusting take on Here Comes The Sun, and the following week she dicided to rub more turd into our eyes by doing a bit of Sting. She needs to return to Carly Simon territory, and fast. Still the dark horse.

Carly Smithson
Carly started out as the favourite because her voice is great, but unfortunately her total inability to decide what kind of music she likes has meant she can't choose songs. A hunch suggests that her tattoo-faced boyfriend didn't recommend this week's Bonnie Tyler. She should've been a contender.

Jason Castro
Jason is still pretending to be high on drugs - someone needs to have a quiet word. Like Brooke, he decided to destroy all credibility this week by admitting a soft spot for the revolting yoga poser, Sting. He was immediately banished to the bottom three. Lots to do.

Ramiele Malubay
Tiny little Ramiele is surely still there because she seems cute and funny - all her performances so far have been atrocious, and this week she was outsung by her backing singer. She may be benefitting from the same voting bracket that rocketed Filipino American Jasmine Trias into third place (series three).

Syesha Mercado
Good as she is, Syesha has nothing to put her in the same bracket as former RnB winners Jordin Sparks (last year) or Fantasia Barrino (series three). She did a good version of Yesterday, but she comes across a little bit too stage school to be a genuine contender. The public like their Idols a little bit rougher around the edges.

Kristy Lee Cook
Even children - who notoriously like everything - were seen shaking their heads disapprovingly when Kristy sings, and this week, she did some atrocity of a song called America Is THE BEST or something. She has absolutely no chance of winning.

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The APPRENTICE: Meet the idiots

The best programme about getting a job with Sir Alan Sugar is BACK!

Show one, and already Sir Alan's trusted sidekicks (Nick Hewer, Margaret Mountford) look absolutely disgusted by the dregs that oozed into his wonderful penthouse boardroom. The posh one got fired, his big mistake was insisting that he felt ganged up on because he loves "the arts". Doesn't he realise that Sir Alan hates the arts? Schoolboy error, kid.

Great television, here's a run down of the contestants:

The Idiots

Raef Bjayou
A great first show for Raef, as he used his utterly pointless wordplay to emphasise that he is, indeed, a total idiot. That said, so were Tre (series three) Syed (series two), and Paul (series one) - the programme needs these fools. Won’t win, will do well. His hobbies include: lawn tennis.

Shazia Wahab
Brazen Shazia made a gentle conversation with a local fishmonger look like a stand up row. This doesn’t bode well. “Strong” works for Sugar, but “aggressive” doesn’t (Badger, Saira Khan, Kristina Grimes - all aggressive saleswomen who didn't win).

The Desperados

Simon Smith
35-year-old Simon might be a little too elderly for Alan’s tastes (the three winners so far have all been 26 or 27), and his wide-eyed eagerness to please saw him spend the morning with “total strangers”, and the evening with “friends”. This suggests that here is a man not cut out for business. Or life.

Helene Speight
Helene comes from the school of “business speak”, which means that she will spend a couple of weeks talking about "projected figures" and "guestimates", before everyone realises that she is just saying words randomly. Then she will leave.

The Pussycats

Ian Stringer
Ian said virtually nothing in show one, his only real highlight was him being so utterly disgusted by the word “loser” that he couldn’t even bring himself to say it. A hunch says that he'll be tearfully repeating it into a mirror before the year is out.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Lucinda was the woman shown weeping in a Renault Espace in the preview for next week’s show, which suggests that she might be lacking the necessary grit to make it in business. The programme has yet to be won by anyone who has wept.

Kevin Shaw
Spikey blonde hair, face of a child, said literally nothing, but his website bio insists that he has what it takes, and will TAKE NO PRISONERS. Time to step up to the plate, bring your "A game" etc...

The Journeymen

Jenny Celerier
Lantern jawed red head, Jenny is a single mum (18-year-old son) who has grafted her way to the top. Sir Alan loves a journey - Michelle Dewberry, worked in Kwiksave, then won series two.

Lee McQueen
Might be a bit too “oi, oi” to win, but he was sired by a milkman, and now he's surrounded by business toffs - Alan will love that. Plus the thought of him being ripped to shreds by the business hounds who destroy the hopefuls around show ten is too brilliant for him to go now. He simply has to stay. At least until then.

Lindi Mngaze
Lindi has battled against severe dyslexia to make it into the business world. Thus far she seems to have the right balance of cheerfulness and enthusiasm to see her through. At 22, she may be a bit young.

Interesting Bets

Claire Young
Horsey Claire has already succeeded in a task, which puts her in a strong early position. Much depends on whether her early show confidence morphs into over-confidence.

Jennifer Maguire
Ballsy Irish girl, she is the right age to win at 27, and with the past three winners reading boy/girl/boy, it could be the turn of the women. Suitably pretty, like Dewberry was.

Work to do

Alex Wotherspoon
After show one, Alex has work to do – he came across as a buck-passing swine. That said, he has the right line in stubble and sales management speak that floats Sir Alan’s boat in the early stages. Unfortunately, he has already faced the boardroom once, and the eventual winner never goes in twice.

Michael Sophocles
Insisted “I AM arrogant” before silently going about his business. Surrounded by louder characters, he might come a little unstuck. Too middle-of-the-road?

Sara Dhada
Another contestant with so little camera time that it’s impossible to judge. That said, Dewberry and Campell (both eventual winners) were very quiet until the latter stages.

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TV Baftas BETTING: Best Entertainment Programme

Third time lucky for the show about wartime tea dances?

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Time was when people only had one channel, and the choice of entertainment was to watch that, poke a discarded tyre in a wasteland with a stick, or practise kissing on a stray dog. How times have changed, and this year the most fun anyone had was watching Alesha Dixon defy her cheating husband by learning the Cha Cha Cha...

Strictly Come Dancing
The most swishy of the talent shows was a massive hit this year, thanks mainly to Alesha Dixon bringing a spot of hip urban girl band kudos to a show essentially about depressing tea dances during the Blitz. It lost out to big guns in 2005 (I'm a Celebrity) and 2006 (X Factor), but neither show stands in their way this time around. You go, girl!

Britain's Got Talent
Three of the last six winners have included Simon Cowell on sneering judgement duty (Pop Idol, 2002; X Factor, 2006; X Factor, 2007), so he will be hoping that this year is no exception. On the downside for Simon and his panel of showbiz friends, his total over-exposure (this, X Factor, American Idol) has made his television as exciting as a slow-motion handshake.

Have I Got News For You
The guffawing brainboxes on Have I Got News For You have been up for this award a whopping six times in the last ten years, and yet they have never won it. They probably think it's because they're far too intelligent for the rest of England - look at them, hunched in their lazyboys, brainlessly touching their eyeballs and staring at a strobing television. They could never understand the depth of satire on show.

Harry Hill's TV Burp
Harry Hill lost out for his Channel 4 programme in 1998 (in the Best Comedy category), and now his ITV show is a massive outsider. In his favour is that ITV have claimed six of the last ten in this category. But his show is probably a little bit too "niche" compared to the likes of Strictly Come Dancing and Britain's Got Talent. Heh heh, his collars are too big! Hilarious.

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TV Baftas BETTING: Best Soap

Eastenders leads the way

The big news on Albert Square this month is that Bianca has spent years plying her loins around Manchester, but now she's decided that nowhere quite beats the deeply fragrant allure of the caff in Walford, where she will no doubt bump into Ricky and pretend to be surprised. "What the hell are you doing here?" she will shriek, to which the brainless mechanic would be wise to explain that he only occasionally leaves, and has pretty much lived in the same one hundred meter radius for most of his life.

But will they win a Bafta? That's the big question on Dirty Den's lips... (what do you mean "he's dead"?)

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Eastenders
Of all the soaps, Eastenders is by far the most successful, having scooped the gong four times in the last ten years (1999, 2000, 2002, 2006). And with Corrie out of the running for being a bit too rubbish at the moment, the grumbling Londoners might just have it in "the old horses, hen, ducks, rubber johnnies and stag" (slang for "bag").

Holby City
After last year’s ridiculous victory for Casualty - which no one has even watched since 1989 - the money men are understandably cautious about the inclusion of hospital spin off drama/soap Holby City (which was presumably axed in the early 1990s). The award has been thrown in the direction of Eastenders or Coronation Street eight times in ten years, so when it comes to the other nominees, the people in charge just blurt things out. Next year, expect to see Eldorado in there.

Emmerdale
Since dropping the "Farm", Emmerdale has become one of the steamiest and most sensual programmes around. The show won this exact award in 2001 when up against both of the bigger soaps, so if there is a dark horse in the competition, this is it.

The Bill
Just to be nominated is award enough for The Bill, previously only featuring in the shortlist in 2004 and 2005. Won't win.

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TV Baftas BETTING: Best Drama

Don't bet on Skins, it's rubbish

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Back in the 1960s parents would be driven to a belt-thrashing rage by the sight of their teenage son deliberately growing his hair (is he a homosexual? This is an outrage!). So, imagine how your nan feels as she settles down with her Horlicks to watch a spot of E4, and on comes Skins, where the kids smoke dope and show each other their private parts like it was totally fine, just another boring Tuesday. Either way, the young ones seem to lap it up, and they might win a big posh award (although they won't).

The Street
The big favourite for the prize, The Street nabbed this one last year (beating Life on Mars, Sugar Rush and Shameless), so it would be a commendable two in a row. The last show to do that was The Cops in 1999 and 2000.

Life on Mars
The last zany fantasy show to win the prize was Doctor Who in 2006, which is a good sign, but a bad sign is that the rest of the last ten winners have come from a more gritty real life school of contemporary drama.

Rome
This is some seriously sexual television, which promises bosoms in every single episode - something which might actually turn off the straight-faced voters in the academy. Also working against the oily sex and sandles nude-a-thon is that a BBC2 drama hasn't won the big prize for the last seven years. Gutted.

Skins
Calm down, don't freak out, dude, this is just the Bafta's way of appealing to the kids. Any show that makes Bod look like the Citizen Kane can't win this prize. It just can't.

 

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American Idol UPDATE: Top Ten

Here is your top ten singers, America

Week One of American Idol proper was a massive wake-up call for the field leader, David Archuleta. His performance was wretched, he forgot the words, and his forced smile during the post-song judgement was obviously shielding a million tears. He no longer looks the shoo-in everyone thought he was. The competition has been thrown wide open. Or, in the words of Paula Abdul: "We can... erm... feel your... hearts... when you... give of yourself... the world..." And we're out of time.

The shouty woman's gone, kids, who will win?

Click here to place your bets

David Archuleta
The cherub faced boy wonder has already been tipped by Cowell to make the "top two", and when he sings, even maniac Paula Abdul stops trembling and muttering. That said, he made a pig's turd of week one of Beatles songs, singing something akin to Craig David doing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. But he pulled it back on week two with a totally gorgeous Long And Winding Road. Back in the driving seat.

Brooke White
Brooke is so pure that she has never even seen a swear word written down in faint pencil on the back of an envelope, which makes her hugely appealing to Americans who like to unwind with a little bible reading (ie. most of them). Unfortunately after three brilliant weeks in a row, she made a total happy-clappy hash of Here Comes The Sun. Plus her over-the-top "hey it's OKAY!" reaction to criticism suggested that under the smiles and skipping around, she might yet be a ruthless bitch. You go, girl!

Carly Smithson
Carly appears to have Amy Winehouse tattooed on her arm, and her Tina Turner version of Come Together damn near made Simon whimper. Unfortunately she ruined it in week two with a deep-voiced version of Blackbird, which she followed with a clumsily explained metaphor about how she is learning to fly, because she couldn't... and, um... something else. Simon wasn't impressed, and neither were the voters. She hit the bottom three, which could spell trouble.

Michael Johns
Australian Michael's problem is that while his blue-eyed soul voice is great, his song choices are so earnest and middle of the road, he might as well just sing your boring uncle's record collection - he is the only man not dreading Chris Rea week (should there ne one). His decision to sing A Day in The Life (essentially a duet) was absolutely ludicrous.

David Cook
The dark horse of the competition, David is making his mark by morphing gentle pop songs into the angry rants of a maniac, and Simon loves it. Or, at least, he did. David's Day Tripper was a little bit smug and "yeah, I'm AMAZING", but like last year's runner-up, Blake Lewis, he is cut from a different cloth. But is it a winning cloth? Still an interesting bet.

Jason Castro
Jason is either constantly pretending to be stoned, or appearing on a family programme out of his mind on drugs. It's hard to say which is worse. As things stand, he needs a massive performance, and this week, Michelle wasn't it.

Ramiele Malubay
Dinky little Ramiele benefits from being the size of a pea, but then singing like an overweight soul singer. Back in series one, fellow Filipino American Jasmine Trias scored a huge fanbase, which Ramiele may yet tap into. On the downside, her performances so far have been a little bit boring once you're over the "she's tiny!" hilarity of it all. Much work to do.

Syesha Mercado
A poor man's Whitney, Syesha has nothing to put her in the same bracket as former RnB winners Jordin Sparks (last year) or Fantasia Barrino (series three). She did a good version of Yesterday, but comes across a little bit too stage school to be a genuine contender. The public like their Idols less polished.

Chikezie Eze
Chikezie was brilliant in week one, but got a little carried away and thought he'd introduce a mouth organ into his act for week two. That could yet prove a costly mistake. Randy and Paula love him, Simon appears to find him a bit of a chore. He's now flirted with the exit a couple too many times.

Kristy Lee Cook
Her country version of Eight Days a Week was astonishingly bad, and You've Got To Hide Your Love Away wasn't much better. Even children - who notoriously like everything - were seen shaking their heads disapprovingly. She has absolutely no chance of winning.

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American Idol BETTING: The Top ELEVEN

One down, then it's a TOP TEN... for a week

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Week One of American Idol pro